I’m back

My eating disorder is chronic and episodic. When in periods of "wellness" I still battle obsessive thoughts about food and my body and I still use eating disorder symptoms to cope but it doesn't take over my life the same way when I am not in periods of "wellness". This is the chronic part. I...

Let’s Shut Up: (My response to Bell Let’s Talk)

Last year I wrote a paper on the topic of mental health in the media. I have edited the original paper to make it less assignment specific and more generalizable, but as a result it is choppy in some places, sorry. It's an academic paper and much lengthier than my usual blog posts. Trigger Warning:...

STOP COMMENTING ON MY BODY, even if it is just about my hair

Recently I have had two very important people in my life tell me my hair looks great. That's nice. That's kind. And it's a little fucked up, let me explain why. First of all - I haven't really done anything new to my hair. Secondly, I have lost some weight. Nothing too noticeable (yet) and...

The gap in the mental health system

I'm in a frustrating place with my mental health symptoms. I am too unstable for community based programs that offer support Monday-Friday between 9 and 5, and I'm too stable for crisis intervention support offered 24 hours a day. My mental health struggle is complex (isn't everyone's?) but right now I am struggling with my...

Egosyntonic….egodystonic…what?!!!??!

In psychotherapy many behaivours (I prefer to call them symptoms- and will do so from here on out) of mental illnesses are classified as egosyntonic and egodystonic. First of all, what does THAT mean? Well egoSYNTONIC describes symptoms that align with a persons values, self image, or in some way or another benefits or is...

Was doing a DNA test worth it?

Thirty five years ago my mom got pregnant. She had no idea by who and that's mostly her story to tell, however it has left me with so much confusion, fantasy, regrets, worries, fears...and a whole lot of unknowns and what if's. It hasn't been easy. People have tried to comfort me over the years...

So here’s why I have relapsed…

I said in my last post I knew exactly why I went back to my eating disorder after my time in treatment and after learning new ways to cope. It was body image. It was weight gain. It was how triggering summer clothing is for me... no. i mean that is all part of it...

My eating disorder has helped me survive: While it has tried to kill me

Over my time in treatment I have learned that my eating disorder has helped me cope with trauma and other difficult life experiences. If you've ever struggled with an eating disorder you will know that it is all consuming. Preoccupation with weight, shape, food, exercise etc takes over your brain. Making it really difficult to...

Damn it

I'm back. Yes, back to blogging. But fuck, also back in my eating disorder. Buuuut....i'm not actually upset. I'm in that honeymoon period of it where I'm glad to be back. Where the thrill of weight loss excites me. The sneaky-ness is fun. Everything feels controlled. I know it's not. I know where this leads...

Seasonal clothing…my nemesis

I think I have a hundred posts on this topic. Well not really because I think I only have about that many posts on this blog anyway. But, for the sake of dramatic effect, for the HUNDREDTH time, I hate spring time and the clothes that go with it. I live in the Northern Hemisphere,...