I’m back

My eating disorder is chronic and episodic. When in periods of “wellness” I still battle obsessive thoughts about food and my body and I still use eating disorder symptoms to cope but it doesn’t take over my life the same way when I am not in periods of “wellness”. This is the chronic part.

I then have these episodic relapses, and I am at the beginning of one right now. I know people have many definitions for relapse, so I’ll explain mine. I do not call a few skipped meals, or a few purges a relapse, because for me I do those behaviours regularly even when in periods of “wellness”. Your definition of relapse may include these moments, and that is okay. A relapse for me is a specific shift of the mind. I know exactly when I have returned to the dark side. For me this was 6 days ago. I was on my break at work, when I would usually have lunch. This was the day my eating disorder took over. Although I have skipped plenty of lunches over the past few years this was different. I felt my ED come over me again. I was gleeful.

Timeline:

2000-2007: Years of disordered eating and body image issues.

2007-2009: Onset of first major ED episode.

2009-2010: Period of wellness

2010-2012: Second major episode.

2012-2015: Second period of “wellness”.

2015-2018: Longest period of ED. When I was hospitalised, went to residential treatment twice, spend many many months off work and in and out of treatment.

2018-2020: Third period of wellness

2020: A brief relapse, this one only lasted about six months. Was on hospital waitlists, but managed to recover before needing intensive services.

2020-2024: Longest period of wellness. Graduated university. Landed my dream job. Fought hard for recovery despite major life altering events. Even got a boyfriend.

March 18, 2024: The day I relapsed, for the fifth or so time.

I am going to return to this anonymous blog and document my journey through this relapse. We’ll see where it goes.