Yup, you guessed it, I’m struggling again! It doesn’t take a mathematician to add it up. One week I’m doing well, next week I’m not. Last week I did well, so this week I’m inevitably not. I don’t think it will always be like this, but it’s like this right now.
I hate bulimia.
I hate anorexia too, but I really really hate bulimia. And I hate that I struggle with both.
A month or so ago my bulimia symptoms have really piped up. I haven’t binged and purged this regularly since before I went to treatment, almost two full years ago. I know, I know- I should be proud of that, and maybe I am a little bit.
Here are some really unpleasant realities of bulimia.
Today I was binging and purging, and I was purging in a public bathroom (I live with a lot of people so when I binge and purge I always go out to do it). And today as I was purging dirty toilet water splashed up into my eye. I’m worried I could get an infection or something. But, for anyone who thinks purging is glamorous or desirable in any way, trust me it’s not.
Binging and purging begets more binging purging. The more I do it, the more I do it.
Now, more than ever I need to return to my mechanical eating plan. It’s the ONLY proven way to control my symptoms and i really do feel out of control.
I’m happier news- I am done classes! I have four exams in the next two weeks, and I feel prepared for those. I have done well in school and I’m so happy for this upcoming break.
So I’m struggling a lot right now, but i do have hope that this too shall pass.