Unlikely Hope in Likely Hopelessness

Something surreal just happened to me and I’m still in a bit of wonder. And I’m blogging about it as a very personal journal entry. Yes I know it’s public – but this is also an anonymous blog so I’m approaching this story as more of a journal entry.

Today was a pretty bad day. If you’ve been following my blog you’ll know that I’ve had some ups and downs lately – but in some ways more ups than not. And I’ve learned from the low points making even the downs part of my upward journey. But today was different. Today was just plain bad. I’ve had ‘worse’ days on paper, like nothing absolutely terrible happened today, but it felt like one of my worse days.

Again, nothing major happened, but here’s what did happen:
The breakfast table was moved when I got downstairs. Seriously no big deal, right. We had guest over for dinner last night (I was out) so the extra table got moved into the dining room and didn’t get put back in the kitchen and I couldn’t move it back into the kitchen because others were up before me already starting breakfast. This isn’t the first time I had to eat breakfast in the dining room, but it’s a change to my routine and it threw me off, though I didn’t really realize it at the time.

My mom is having surgery tomorrow (which I guess in itself is probably something that is making today difficult) and I’m staying with her for a few days. I guess I was mentally preparing myself to be with my mom, my sick mom, for a few days. I LOVE my mom, and our relationship is sooo much better than it used to be, AND it is still an emotional trigger for me. She also has an eating disorder so it’s often difficult/triggering for me to be around her in that aspect too. Today was no exception. One of the first things she said when I saw her today was a negative comment about her body.

I went on date #2 today. One of my recent posts was on Recovery and Dating.  The date went well. We had a lot in common and conversation was really easy between us. And we agreed to go on a second date. I wouldn’t say I felt any chemistry per say, but I was definitely interested in getting to know him more. Well today was date #2 and I don’t think it went very well. Less because of the date itself and more because of the headspace I was entering it with. It had already been a hard day (read above/below) and I found it hard to transition for stress/anxiety into date mode. So the whole date I was distracted by the events of the day.

This next event of the day is tied in with the day but was so stressful in itself it warranted  it’s own paragraph. I tried on six pairs of pants and four different shirts, in different combos. I felt hideous in every single one of them. Some of my pants wouldn’t even do up (don’t ask me why I haven’t yet donated my smaller clothes. My friend calls them my unhealthy clothes, I’m still trying to incorporate that language into my vocabulary. For now they are known as my smaller clothes, and they are clothes Im having a really difficult time getting rid of), and one pair even ripped. Talk about feeling shitty about my body. They were already ripped jeans – you know the kind that come pre-ripped…well when I put them on one of the rips, ripped. I was too angry at myself to cry about it. Anyways – I ended up picking an outfit but did not feel confident or body positive at all.

But I think the most bothersome event of the day was a simple sentence my boss/friend/pastor/father figure said to me. We were talking about something very very dear to my heart. I won’t get into it on here – but if there is one thing I’m known for, or most passionate about, or something that is really important to me, it is this thing we were talking about. I shared how much I wanted to get involved in it. And I found his response kinda hurtful. I made a suggestion and he said “actually that’s a good idea, maybe _____ could do it”. REALLY?! I JUST told you, with passionate tears in my eyes, how much I wanted to do this thing. How I wasn’t working and not yet in school so I had time to do it, and his response was ‘that’s great – for someone else’. Here’s the thing. I’m competent and capable for this thing. I am healthy enough (okay – that’s arguable at times, especially once you read the rest of this blog) to do it. And I’m confident I am the right person for this thing. It was hurtful because it in itself, I think, is a hurtful thing. But it was especially hurtful because it speaks right to my core beliefs about myself. That’s I’m not good enough to do something. That I’m replaceable. That other people are always the better choice.

I also used symptoms a little bit today.
You’re right, that does sound like minimizing doesn’t it.

So my solution to my bad day was to start looking up blogs about suicide. I do need to emphasis I’m NOT suicidal. I promise. But, I know when I start looking up things like this it is a read flag for me (probably for you too, maybe even why you’re reading this right now). I’m not at risk, and I am 100% safe – but I’m also looking to connect with someone and I don’t feel like connecting with my friends. My response to most of today’s difficult situations was “i wanna kill myself”. Again –  I do emphasis I’m 100% safe. But my suicidal-type thoughts serve me as a distraction so I don’t have to think about why I wanna die.

Anyways – on to the surreal thing.

So I was in the middle of looking up blogs specifically by the search word suicide. And my phone rings. It was after 10pm, and I have the Do Not Disturb feature set for 10pm-9am, but because I was scrolling through blogs on my phone the call came through. I was also at my mom’s house and I make an effort not to answer my phone when I’m with her, especially if it is a number I don’t know, which it was. But I answered it anyways because my call display said what city the call was coming from and there is someone I know in that city for whom I’m a person of support for. I thought she might be in trouble. She’s a minor who I worked with a few years ago and even though she’s moved away we stay in touch from time to time – and I know that she hasn’t been doing very well lately. Well she wasn’t in trouble and she was safe, but she was emotional. I won’t get into the details – but basically she had needed something and had her needs met by someone who reminded her of me. She was grateful for this and felt compelled to call me to tell me about what happened. I’m leaving some details out because it’s the right thing to do, but the phone call really moved me. I know I’m a vital person of support for her. I know I have impacted her life positively, and that I still do. And I really needed to be reminded of that today. Especially while I was looking up blogs about suicide. Again – I had/have no plan to do anything with my thoughts.

I don’t really know how to end this post – but I was feeling really shitty about myself today, so shitty that to end my day I chose to scroll through blogs on topics that are unhelpful for my current state of mine, and right when I needed it, an unlikely person called me and said things I needed to hear. I have almost forgotten about my horrible day and Im heading to bed feel a whole lot more positive about my life and about my future.